Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Carnival of Ohio Politics dadgum number 154

Howdy, folks! I'm 'spectin' that y'all're thinkin' Daniel Jack Williamson'd be writin' th' Carnival this week. Well, I'm his cuzzin, Jack Daniels Williamson, and I decided t' give Daniel th' week off. I ain't much of a typist, an' I ain't got much of book l'arnin', an' I ain't even come from 'roun' these parts, but it was plain fer me t' see that Daniel dudn't know Jack 'bout puttin' together no Carnival. I been comparin' his Carnivals with them there Carnivals that them there other editors been writin', an' Daniel's been comin' up on th' short end of th' stick.

Daniel wuz 'bout t' make th' same mistake this week that he made all th' other weeks. He starts with some pikchur that ain't nothin' special an' he makes it stand fer a number. It might be th' number of that week's Carnival, but he can't see that his numbers ain't nothin' special. Fer one thing, the numbers've got three digits in a row, an' that's higher than most folks can count. Fer 'nother thing, there are 5 reg'lar editors of the Carnival, which means that when it's Daniel's week t' write, th' number ends with either a 4 or a 9, which ain't nothin' special, but he tries t' pikchur th' number anyhows. Meanwhiles, them there other editors don't find themselves beholden t' numbers that ain't nothin' special. If'n them there other editors can find sum'p'm special on th' calendar, they'll fergitt th' dadgum number, an' make th' Carnival more of a holiday-like event. Dudn't that seem like th' right thing t' do fer sum'p'm that y'all call a Carnival? Daniel wuz lookin' through pikchurs of some feller with a football. I sez t' Daniel, "Whatcha doin' that fer?" He sez th' football feller is Brian Sipe, th' one that played fer them there Cleveland Browns. He sez Sipe threw fer 154 touchdowns in his NFL career, so Sipe'd be perfikt fer th' Carnival pikchur 'cuz of th' number 154 an' cuz of th' link t' Ohio. I sez t' Daniel, "Never you mind no dadgum number too high fer most folks t' count to, y'all got Prez'dents' Day an' Valentines on th' dadgum calendar, so fergitt a pikchur of th' football feller, an' put some hearts on there fer Valentines. You ain't payin' attention t' what them there other editors do t' make th' Carnival special. Lookit Ben. He made a post-election Carnival. Don't that beat a dadgum number 141 Carnival? Lookit McKee. He made a Christmas Eve Carnival. Don't that beat a dadgum number 147 Carnival? Lookit Lisa Renee. She made a Thanksgiving Carnival an' a Year-end Carnival. Don't that beat 143 an' 148? Lookit Jill. She gets th' special numbers that end in 5 or 0, but you don't get them there special numbers. You coulda made a New Year Carnival with fireworks an' party hats, but NO, you were beholden to some dadgum number 149, an' you came up with what? With WHAT? Some wimmin's snowboard, all cuz it measured 149 centimeters. Centimeters! Them there Frenchies measure in centimeters, you varmint, not red-blooded Americans! An' then it ain't even obvious th' pikchur's a snowboard after all. Don't fergitt Jill wuz about floored thinkin' it mighta been a feminine napkin! Never you mind your dadgum number 154 an' th' football feller. This here's gonna be a Valentines Carnival!"

Daniel, he just kinda muttered under his breath, but I heard him, anyhows. He sez sum'p'm 'bout Valentines should be Jill's Carnival, cuz it's closer t' next week than it is this week. I wuz just about fed up with Daniel, so I sez to leave th' Carnival t' me. Daniel sez I have t' call it Carnival #154, cuz Valentines is Jill's. I sez t' Daniel, "You don't know nothin' 'bout no Valentines, I can tell. I bet you got nothin' planned for Valentines. You ain't got no date. You ain't got no girlfriend, you ain't got no romance, you ain't nothin' festive or holidayish 'bout you, so you can't possibly write no Carnival. You gotta get outta them there pajamas, away from that there keyboard in your dadgum parents' basement, take a dadgum shower, put on some REAL dadgum clothes, and get a real life! Off with you! Let me handle this."

OK, I called it Carnival dadgum number 154, but I didn't put no football feller's pikchur, no. I traced over some Valentine, and that's the pikchur fer this here Carnival. So smooch your loved one whiles you read, cuz this here is a romantic-like, holiday-like, special festive-like, party-like Valentines Carnival.

An' if you folks have to have your dadgum numbers, then we oughta do like History Mike, and give each number its own color, not that dadgum silly stuff that Daniel pulls outta his hind end like snowboards measured by Frenchies. There were some really dumb people that got caught out on Lake Erie ice while it was melting costin' th' taxpayers a purty penny t' rescue 'em all. Daniel's 'bout dumb as that.

Tim Higgins may be Just Blowin' Smoke, but Daniel blows nothin' but hot air an' farts. If Tim thinks Toledo's brains are bein' drained, he should lookit what's happened t' Daniel's brain. It's a harebrained idea t' fund childrens health insurance with high taxes on t'backy. It mighta even been Daniel's dumb idea. But Daniel dudn't care t' fix problems. He's like them there politicos that just want y'all t' fear th' problems an' know who's t' blame fer th' problems, but that aint good 'nuff, an' I shur hope th' American President don't be like Daniel.

Our American President hopes t' stimmilate th' 'conomy. I ain't so shur that spendin' money faster'n y'all can print it is gonna work. Divided We Stand, United We Fall isn't so shur either. A divided and balanced gov'mint woulda made shur we ain't gettin' railroaded.

Mebbe t' stop th' Congress from railroadin' us, our state oughta do like 9 other states've done, and introduce rez'lutions that th' 10th Amendment t' th' Constitution permits a degree of sovereignty in r'lation t' th' national gov'mint. The Ohio Republic is gonna give it a shot.

Who's in charge of th' 'conomy? Th' national gov'mint? Daniel? Th' national gov'mint acting like Daniel? Right Runner wants t' know whether th' national gov'mint can cap salaries.

Likewise, Free Market Politics wants t' know if'n th' unions pull th' strings on th' national gov'mint. Some Republicans in th' Senate of th' U. S. of A. figger that Congress ain't done 'nuff t' sabotage th' housin' market, so they figger t' do more damage, an' this time, I don't mean let Daniel run it into th' ground. Mebbe th' best thing t' do'd be nothin' at all.

The national gov'mint do nothin' at all? Too late fer that. We got dadgum bailouts all over th' place. Oh . . . 'cept "bailout" is a "misnomer," right? Cuz them there bailouts are all gonna be paid back t' th' gov'mint, right? Bizzy Blog looked at th' dadgum numbers, an' he dudn't see noways how Chrysler an' GM are gonna pay back, cuz even with th' bailout, they're doin' worser than Ford, who ain't got a dadgum bailout.

Buckeye Punditeers gives th' American President permission t' create a $350,000 dollar job fer them. Mebbe Petro an' mebbe O'Connor are gonna be th' Republicans chasin' after th' Ohio Supreme Court Justice job, but th' Democrats just ain't sayin' nothin' 'bout if'n they're gonna chase after it, so mebbe it's high time t' throw some names out there. Who's gonna d'cide th' budget fer th' state gov'mint? Daniel? Somebody dumb like Daniel? An' if'n th' state goes t' hackin', an' hackin', an' hackin' away at th' budget, might th' result be as deadly as Anna Nicole Smith's over-use of diet pills? If'n I wuz gonna use some pikchur fer Carnival that wudn't a Valentine, I mighta used a pikchur of Anna Nicole Smith rather'n a pikchur of Brian Sipe, but I ain't shur Daniel'd know a thing 'bout such things.

Mebbe John Kasich'll perch atop the state gov'mint after th' 'lections in 2010. Third Base Politics sez if'n Kasich goes fer it, who's t' say he can't get it done?

If'n Mayor Coleman wipes out City Center Mall in Columbus, Whalertly ain't so shur that a better use fer th' property's been hammered out. In spite of Whalertly's lack of confidence, it'd be worser if'n Daniel had t' figger out what t' do with it.

An' now fer real life, sum'p'm that Daniel dudn't know much 'bout whiles he sits in his dadgum parents' basement in his dadgum pajamas typin' away at his dadgum keyboard. The Madrigal Maniac 'xamines the shockin' news that more of our soldiers died from suicide in Janiarry than died from combat. Daniel oughta read that one just t' keep things real.

Daniel also oughta read about th' newlywed from Allen County, Staff Sgt. Jason Burkholder, who lost his life whiles fightin' in Afghanistan. If'n you didn't smooch your loved one yet while readin' this Valentines Carnival, now might be a good time t' do so. You might not get t' do it t'morrow. That's how real life goes some of th' time. Conservative Culture also has some disappointin' news 'bout th' Allen County 'conomy, with Ford layoffs an' sales tax hikes loomin' as possibilities.

Now fer them there other Carnival editors that Daniel'd better be lookin' more careful at if'n he wants t' be a better Carnival writer. At Keeler Political Report, Ben sez Lee Fisher is gonna chase after the job that Voinovich'll be leavin'. Mike DeWine is gonna chase after sum'p'm, too, but 'xactly what, well, that ain't been figgered out yet.

At Writes Like She Talks, Jill sez if'n Fisher is gonna chase after th' Senate job, Brunner might give it a go, too. What the hay, why not have Josh Mandel chase after th' job, too.

At Glass City Jungle, Lisa Renee sez that th' ever-growin' state def'cit means that Toledo'll have a growin' def'cit, too. How's Toledo t' stay afloat if'n th' only thing that gets business t' come here is t' bribe 'em all?

At The Boring Made Dull, McKee sez them there Akron City Schools ain't got 'nuff cash. Them there schools could try doin' what McKee sez t' do, or they could just do th' usual thing, which is raise taxes. Even Daniel, dumb as he is, could come up with sum'p'm dumb like raise taxes.

Daniel writes Buckeye RINO. What a stupid name fer a blog. What kinda constituency is gonna read a blog with a name like that? Stupid is as stupid does. Anyhows, Daniel sez that folks complain about th' auditors in Erie County and Lorain County increasing th' property values on paper t' grab more property taxes, but it ain't right when th' property values in real life are sagging lower an' lower all th' time. If'n folks didn't complain 'bout it so much, Daniel'd have no idea it was even goin' on, cuz he just sits at that dadgum keyboard in his dadgum pajamas. An' if'n y'all ain't heard 'nuff 'bout who's chasin' after what job, Daniel has sum'p'm 'bout that, too.

An' that's Jack Daniels Williamson, pinch-hittin' for Daniel that dudn't know Jack.

13 comments:

Tim Higgins said...

Great work Daniel. Finally someone runs a version of spellcheck on the Carnival that makes sense to me. Congratulations.

Brass Collar Buckeye said...

Wow.

Roland Hansen said...

UH!

historymike said...

I give this post an A for creativity in making use of the Drunken Redneck blog genre.

mw (DWSUWF) said...

I'd like to implore the powers that be to permanently turn over operation of the Ohio Politics Blog to cousin Jack. I mean - it is not like anyone is ever going to improve on this. Give it up guys. Jack's your man.

Jill said...

That is hysterical! thank you so much!!

Right Runner said...

Heck, I wuz edykated in Kaintucky. I filt rat at home.

TBMD said...

Very, very nice.

Between Ben's Baccardi 151 and Jack Daniels Williamson, perhaps we ought to think twice about the drunk blogger meme that's developing here.

Before we do anything rash, suggest that we ponder over a Glenfiddich.

Barga said...

interesting writing style...

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